"...Alan?"
"I'm sorry...I was just thinking..."
"What else is new?" she replies. "Listen up. You have to hear what happened the other day when I was out with Janet and Suzi..."
I've heard the story already from Suzi. We talked earlier today, but Jenny doesn't know anything about the chats Suzi and I have. Suzi has been my source of comfort in my ongoing tales of heartbreak and misery. Not being able to talk to the guys, I talk to Suzi. She's one of Jenny's best friends and is sick of all the jerks Jenny goes out with. She thinks we'd make a really cute couple, and tells me everything Jenny tells her in the hopes that I can use it to my advantage. Unfortunately, Jenny doesn't really tell her anything.
At first we suspected Jenny knew Suzi was telling all, that she didn't tell Suzi anything that she wouldn't want me to know, but really Jenny's an unusually private person. I think she wants to remain mysterious to everyone, even her closest girlfriends.
Maybe the reason I'm still enamored with Jenny is because, according to Suzi, Jenny has yet to find that special someone who can make her heart flutter. Considering the yahoos Jenny's goes out with, this is not news, but it gives me hope that she'll come around.
For nearly a year, I've been hoping that she'd come back and say she's missed me, that she realizes the mistake she's made in wanting to see all the other guys, that I'm the one she wants to be with, and it's time we got together.
All this time, I've desperately wanted to tell her how much she means to me, but I can't; I'm not what Jenny is looking for. She's is a strong-minded individual, but she wants a man who's equally strong-minded and in charge of things. She doesn't want someone who will be sappy and say cheesy things, as I would like nothing more than to do. She can't stand guys who want to monopolize her time, and I would have no problem spending every waking minute with her, as well as every minute spent in sleep. I wish I had the balls to just grab her and say something like, "I can't get you off my mind, I think we're so right for each other, why do you tease me with your presence, I can't see myself with anyone but you, let's commit ourselves to each other for all eternity, my life holds no meaning except when I'm with you, just give up hope of finding someone better, there's no one more perfect for you than I..." Instead, I'll probably offer her a fry and say, "How's your mom?"
"...but I think she likes you, Alan."
She's talking to me. I think her voice rises a little when she's speaking to me. "Who did you say, Jenny?" I hope my voice doesn't change when I talk to her.
She smiles. "Suzi. I think she likes you."
Suzi? That's not possible. Suzi's my buddy, my confidante, my--had Suzi told Jenny something about liking me? No, that doesn't make sense. Why would Suzi tell me there were no guys that really interested Jenny, if Suzi was interested in me? Wouldn't she make one up for Jenny to be interested in if she wanted me to lose interest in Jenny. And we told each other everything, wouldn't she tell me if she liked me? Maybe I've been reading Suzi all wrong and she's been trying to hint that Jenny was interested in absolutely no one--including me, wanting me to forget about Jenny and go out with her. No, I had considered the many possibilities when Suzi originally said there was no one for Jenny and it seemed that she was saying I had no competition to worry about. I think she was implying that things looked right for things to happen between me and Jen. Perhaps she mentioned an interest in me to Jenny so that Jenny would say something to me, presenting me with an opportunity to tell Jenny I'm not interested in anyone but her. That would be like Suzi. She's been trying to convince me to act on my feelings for the past year and I haven't done it yet. I wonder if she's taking matters into her own hands now, spurring me to action. If that's the case, then thanks Suzi, but bad timing. With the guys here, I'm not going to say jack. But on the other hand, she knew the guys would be around, so that can't be what she's doing. Maybe hearing of my affections for Jenny all these months, she's seen what a wonderful guy I am and has become confused. She's been torn between helping me win over Jenny and trying to win me for herself. That Suzi must be crazy for me.
"Really?" I ask. "Why do you think that, Jenny?"
"Well, she always tells me what a great guy you are."
Uh-oh. I hope Suzi hasn't given away my secrets. "She does?"
"Yes. Does that surprise you?"
"Uh...No. What does she say?"
"Oh, I don't remember exactly. Just a lot of really nice things. Sometimes I think you're paying her off, the way she carries on about you."
"Now just one minute," I reply with a smirk. Maybe if I can get her to see that Suzi's words are true, I'll be one step closer to the realization of my dreams. "You've known me a long time, Jenny. Tell me, in all of Suzi's superlatives for me, have you found anything that you think isn't true?"
"Well...I guess not. You are a really nice guy."
No! Retreat, retreat. You've gone too far, Al. Say something mean, make her realize you're not a nice guy. You have to break the wretched curse of the nice guy. Be cruel and cynical, swear and kick dogs.
"Maybe you don't know me that well. Actually I'm heavy into bunny rabbit mutilation and demon worship and picking the wings off of flies and things like that. Give me a minute or two to warm up and I'll demonstrate my amazing ability to speak in tongues." Maybe a little too much.
"What the hell are you talking about?" asks Slack.
"Let me know when you find out," Walt says. "I think he's flipped."
"I'm still hungry," T.J. says. "Anyone want to split a Sampler with me?"
"I know what he's doing." This time Jenny. "Al's trying to escape the painful truth of his condition. Face it, Al. You're a nice guy."
"I know, I know. I hear it all the time: 'You'd make a wonderful husband, but I wouldn't want to date you.'"
"Very funny. But I guess it's something you'll have to live with. So do you want to go out with her?"
"Well, I like Suzi, but..."
"She's the cute one, right?" Slack has to ask. "Of course Al'll go out with her!"
"Great! I'll let her know."
Don't bother, I think. I'm certain that I'll talk with her before Jenny. I guess it wouldn't do any harm to hang out more with Suzi while hoping and praying that Jenny comes around. Maybe Jenny'll see what a great person I am with Suzi and become amazingly jealous. Perhaps she'll vow to never eat a Dennyburger again until I take her as my woman. I hope Suzi isn't too crestfallen, but she knows my feelings for Jenny. But that's only if Suzi does like me. For all I know she thinks I'm a deplorable imbecile.
"Shit. It's almost three. I should really get going, guys." As Slack is grounded, he has this strange notion that if he gets home before three, he'll be okay. I guess it works out for him. Usually his folks just throw up their hands. "Ooh, I only have four, can anyone set me up?"
"I've got you covered, Slack," I say. "Let's see...that's an additional three fifty. That means you now owe me fifty-seven dollars and forty-three cents."
"Good one, old buddy," he says while leaving, but I wasn't kidding. I still have an old stereo of his that he keeps forgetting I have. I fear that as soon as I make him pay up, he'll ask for it back, so I let it slide.
We all decide to follow Slack out. Slack and Jenny had each driven, and Walt picked up T and me. In the parking lot, Walt starts to unlock the back seat of the Pickle, but I tell him I'll get a ride home with Jenny.
"Oh, you will, will you?" Jenny asks.
"Of course. How else can you tell me more about Suzi?"
As Jenny unlocks my door--she's quite the chivalrous type--Slack honks and peels out in his Malibu. Walt waves and drives off with T.J. So long.
I look back to Jenny, as she walks around the car. With the moon shining behind her, her face is hard to see. I think she's smiling. She's probably glad I chose to ride with her. I bet she has no intention of telling me about Suzi. She just made all that up to get me to ride with her home. The other guys would only think we were going to talk about Suzi and I, but the real topic would be Jenny and I. Pretty clever, Jenny.
We sit in the car and she smiles over. I knew it: she is glad I chose to come with her. This is it, we're going to get back together. Jenny will be mine once more.
She stops smiling and turns to put her key in. She's disappointed in me. She must be waiting for me to say something. I've been unfair to her, expecting her to break the subject first. What if she's been waiting on me? If she's not going to say anything, then perhaps I should.
She turns the car on. As Jenny's Barricuda roars to life, I feel inspired. Sitting in the Denny's parking lot at 3:08 on a Saturday morning, with the sky just beginning to change from midnight blue to royal, I know what I must do.
She's about to put the car in reverse and I put out my arm. If she's not going to say something, then I will.
"Wait."
"What is it, Alan."
My heart pounds so hard, I feel it in my throat. "There's something I'd like to talk about." Deep breath. "Jenny...have you...have you ever thought about us...I mean...maybe giving it a try...if things don't work out, we could still..."
"Alan," she draws out my name. "Don't do this."
She has a pained look on her face, a look that tells me I'm doing the wrong thing. Well, it's too late. I've already started, and I might as well carry it out. See where it takes me. I suppose the worst that can happen is she'll say she thinks I'm a parasite and I should get out of her life. Keep going. "I'm sure you know my feelings, Jenny. The least you could do is tell me yours."
"I don't want to hurt you, Alan."
Damnit, why can't you talk to me? I'm not going to be the only one who suffers. If she's going to make things hard on me, I'm going to take her down with me, make her feel rotten for destroying another life. "I think I'd only be hurt if you didn't think I was friend enough to tell me your feelings about me. Am I such a loser that you won't even consider going out with me? Just tell me what's on your mind, Jenny."
"Alan. Think about what you're saying. If I thought you were a loser, do you think I'd spend part of every weekend with you? I don't want to hurt you."
"I'm a big boy now. I know I didn't handle things well the first time we went out. But I didn't realize you were seeing Sean then. I thought it was just you and me, and when I found out about him, I overreacted. I've grown up over the past year. If you'd only tell me what you're thinking, I could prove it to you. I can handle the truth."
"Can you, really?"
"I can, Jenny." At least, I think I can. And whether I can or not, that's no reason not to tell me. I deserve to know what she's thinking. After eleven months of living a secret life, I've told her what I'm thinking. I'm finally letting it all out, fighting for what I believe in. Suzi would be so proud--unless of course she wants me to forget about Jenny, but that's not about to happen. Somehow, though, I am feeling a sense of utter peacefulness. Now that I've started this, it's like the world has jumped off my shoulders. I feel free. Free to tell her anything and everything, free to tell the simple yet delicate truth.
"Jenny, I love you."
Silence. She's saying nothing, and with her lack of speech, so goes my feeling of peacefulness. My blood starts racing through my head and I'm feeling a little woozy, but I can still think clearly. Maybe I shouldn't have said anything. She was right, I should have just let things be. I had to see if there was something there. Now comes the crash. "I don't think of you in that way, Alan." Perhaps, "Apparently we don't have similar feelings, Alan." Even better, "You don't know me well enough to love me, Alan." Great! Advantage: Jenny. She holds the power. Not that she hasn't been completely in control from the start, but now she knows she's the boss. She can go in for the kill, tear my heart out with her bare fist and eat it. Laughing as she devours my still-beating heart. Maybe I should go crawl under a rock. Why is this something to be embarrased about? All I did was tell her the truth, that I love her. There's nothing terrible in that. This is who I am, and I've been waiting damn near a year to tell her this. This is what my life has been leading up to since February twenty-sixth and it's all been ruined! She'll never speak to me again. And to think that next Wednesday is my birthday! Wait a minute, calm down. I'm overreacting. Jenny's not a maniacal fiend. I know her; she's a softy. If she doesn't have the same feelings for me, she'll feel really low. She'll try to comfort me, to make sure our friendship survives no matter what. It'll be alright, Alan. But why isn't she speaking? She hates me and doesn't want to say it. She has to get up the nerve to say that she can't believe I would think I have a chance. Don't do it, Jenny. Lie to me, tell me that things will be okay, that we'll still get together with the guys, that you think I made a mistake in telling you this, but we can look past that and still be wonderful friends. Tell me that I mean a lot to you and you don't want to ruin our friendship.
Then she speaks. The sound of her voice almost melts me, cracking through the night air like that, but suddenly the realization of what she says sets in. Despite all the anticipation of what she was going to say, how she would phrase it, how she would look when saying it, whether she would look into my eyes or look demurely at the ground, despite all these questions, I am completely caught off guard by her reply. In fact, my brain is frozen. I am totally numb.
"No shit, Al," is what she says.
Wow. "Excuse me," I say.
"No shit you love me, Alan. You think you can handle the truth, then fine. To be honest with you, I've given this a lot of thought. In fact, I can't stop thinking about it, about you and me. Just sitting there in Denny's, I couldn't help thinking how great you are, how you are so different from those losers you hang out with--"
"Losers we hang out with--"
"--and how much I want to be with you and you alone. You are the dearest person in the world to me, Alan. I admit it, I love you. I love you, Alan. You are the greatest guy in the world, and I wish every guy could be like you."
I could not have dreamed for a better reaction than this. Jenny has just told me that she loves me, me! Alan Forristal and Jenny Rose Thompson. I can hardly believe this. "That's great, Jenny--!"
"No, Alan. It's not great."
"What are you saying? You love me; I love you. Isn't that enough?"
"No, it's certainly not enough. I don't want to hurt you, and I know I will if we go out. You think you're the only one with a bleeding heart, but how do you think I feel, knowing as I have for the past year that we love each other and yet it could never work out. We tried this before, Alan, and it didn't work out. It didn't work out then, nor will it ever."
Just as quickly as I was elevated to the highest point I've ever imagined, I've been torn away. Taken from the hills of joy and dragged down to the depths of some inferno. Don't do this to me, Jenny. It can work out, I promise you. Just give me one chance.
"I am too selfish, Alan. In all the relationships I've ever had, the other person always wanted more than I could give them. I know you, Alan. I would kill you. I don't say, 'That was a nice dinner, thank you.' I don't give flowers. I don't even want them! I don't say, 'I love you, Sweetie' or 'My how handsome you are looking this evening.' I can't do that."
"I want to give. I don't care if you just take. We could make it work. If you want to change, I'm the perfect guy for you."
"That's my point. You are the perfect guy for me, but I am not even close to being perfect for you."
"Let me be the judge of that." I don't care if I get destroyed later on, Jenny. I want you, I need you, right now. I've never desired anything more in my entire life than I want to be with you right now.
"You hopeless romantic. Give it up. You might not think that it will bother you, and it probably won't right away, but, it would. Eventually. And then what? You'd hate me. You'd resent me, and you'd despise me for not telling you right now, right here, that things could never work out. No, it's better to move on with our lives before it comes to that. We have to move on, Alan. Before either of us gets hurt any more."
I want to scream out, "You couldn't hurt me any more than you have just now." It's true, I can't hurt any more. The only woman I've ever loved has just admitted she loves me and there is nothing I can say or do that will convince her that we should be together. She was right. I can't handle the truth. I think the only thing worse than knowing the woman you're madly in love with doesn't give a damn about you, is finding that she loves you so much that she can't be with you, for fear of hurting you.
"You've thought about this a lot, Jenny."
"Yes," Jenny answers, although it wasn't so much a question, as a realization. A realization that what I had spent the last eleven months hoping for, dreaming, praying for had come to its end. There would be no Jenny and Alan.
And with that understanding, I also find that my face is all wet. I've been crying. When I started crying, I have no idea, but I don't like Jenny seeing me this way. "You can go on home, Jenny. I think I'd like to walk."
"I don't think that's such a good idea. Let me take you back, it's just two minutes from here."
"All the more reason to walk. Really, I think I'd like to collect myself a little. I just need some time alone."
"Are you sure you're going to be alright? I don't want to leave you alone in such a state, Alan. Besides, the most dangerous place for you to be has always been alone with your thoughts." She tries to smile. A gorgeous smile.
But I'm sure she wants to leave. "Just go," I say. "It's okay, Jenny. Please, go. I'll be alright."
I'm not sure that I will be alright, but I don't want her to feel bad about everything. It's my fault this happened. I shouldn't have said anything; I should have just kept it all to myself. I attempt a smile.
"Goodbye, Alan." And she's gone.
Standing here in the parking lot, I'm reminded of what Jenny said earlier about life and Denny's. I guess I have also learned everything here at the Denny's. Tonight I realized that it may be better to not follow your heart. The chance of having an ultimate fantasy come true is so slim, that it may just be better to continue to hold fast to those dreams, than to risk destroying them. Next time we're here, with the exception of Moons Over My Hammy and half a gallon of iced tea, I'm going to keep my big mouth shut.
I wonder what Suzi'll have to say about all this.
© 2001 ryan@forsythe.to